From Doris Calloway:
This made me laugh until I was crying!!! And despite what my mom thinks, I did not make up these rules although I may adopt a few of them!
Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home.
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the
potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat
in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What
kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will
punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be
able to eat anything.
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your tail down
until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for
you to be independent. Nibble on them darn pecans and walnuts to hold
you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their
little tails to the basement and bring their food down to them. They
are not gonna tear my darn house up this year. Tell them that they are
not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling
family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for
any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a
foot off in their tails!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE!
We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave
birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that
talk for somebody who gives a darn. The time limit for the prayer is one
minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will
feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for
approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If
you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy tail
home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself
a plate in my good Tupperware knowing darn well that I will never see it
again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me
catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my
house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every
ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call,
your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After
24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant tail!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no
sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your
tail home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup
kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You
will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the
appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will
be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy
tail family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD
are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
